Ahwatukee Living’s Ask the Experts

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Unreasonable Expectations Responsible for Most Unhappiness

If I told you that I had a new medication that could take away at least 80% of your unhappiness, would you be interested? What if I told you that there was a surgical procedure that could eliminate almost all of your daily hassles, would you go under the knife? How about if I told you that there was a special government program coming out that would decrease your unhappiness until it was almost gone, would you support it?

We would probably say, ‘Yes,’ to each of those offerings. A medication that can make you happy almost all the time, who wouldn’t want that? Sure, surgery is a hassle, and it can be dangerous, but permanent revocation of most of your daily hassles? Man, that would be worth it. Likewise, it would be worth paying a little extra in taxes if the government could devise a program to eradicate unhappiness, right?

Well, as you have already guessed, there is no magic medication, surgery, or program that can take away unhappiness and daily hassles, but what if I told you there was something safer, cheaper, and with almost no risk of side effects. Would you try that?

There is! It’s called “Changing Your Expectations.”

Let’s look at why we’re unhappy – I don’t have enough money, I don’t have a cool enough car, I’m too fat, my husband works too much, my wife is a nag, My kid didn’t make the baseball team, my house is too messy, I don’t have as much energy as I used to have, I’m not getting the recognition I deserve….

Each of those complaints is completely within the realm of control of the complainer! If you feel unhappy because you don’t have enough money, you need to take a look at how much money you have. Let’s say you make $22,000 per year, but you want $50,000 a year. Is that even reasonable? To more than double your salary? Probably not. Therefore, you will always be miserable with your $22,000. Even if you would get a 10% raise, you would be miserable with your $24,200 salary. You wouldn’t even be happy with a 20% raise! You are destined to be miserable!

Let’s say you are a big baseball fan and you love to play baseball and your son tried out for the baseball team and he just didn’t make it. You can spend the entire baseball season being upset, depressed, and even angry, making your relationship with your son horrible, or you can took at changing your expectation to be more in line with his talents, interests, and skills. Perhaps he’s a good guitar player or skateboarder. You could get a great deal of joy and happiness out of watching him win a talent show as long as you’re not wallowing in your grief over him not making the ball team.

We create most of our own unhappiness by having expectations that are simply out of line with reality. It’s okay to hope and dream and wish, but when you are continually focused on things that simply aren’t realistic, you will be miserable most of the time. It is much better to focus on an obtainable goal, to reach that goal, then to set another obtainable goal than to be in a constant state of failure to reach a lofty goal.

So, the magic does exist. You can take away almost all of your unhappiness, starting today, by simply changing your expectations! It’s free, safe, and the only side effects include reduced anxiety, lower anger, and a greater sense of contentment. Will you try it? What have you got to lose but most of your unhappiness?

Posted on June 20, 2005