Ahwatukee Living’s Ask the Experts

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Raising Children

“You need to be more responsible!” How many times has a parent said this to a kid? The problem is generally that the child doesn’t actually know what the parent means. Think about it for a minute. What does it actually mean to “be responsible?” Most people say that it means to “take responsibility for yourself.” Yeah, but what does that mean? Well, it means to be mature, to be responsible… and around we go again.

The idea of taking responsibility is abstract and therefore children don’t really understand it well. The truth is, many adults don’t understand it well, either. Some of the parents who are bringing their children to me for counseling so I can “teach them responsibility” forget to bring their checkbooks and can’t make their payments, or they come late or even miss their appointments altogether. How is the child to learn responsibility?

Here are six steps you must follow if you want to teach your children responsibility:

1) When you have made a mistake, you have to recognize that it was a mistake. When you have accidentally or intentionally done something bad, you have to be able to see what you have done. If you have inadvertently driven your car too fast, you have to be able to recognize that speeding is illegal and dangerous.

2) When you realize you’ve done wrong, you have to admit it to yourself. When you catch yourself fudging your income tax figures a little bit, you have to admit that it is wrong to do that. You have to allow yourself to judge yourself as having done wrong.

3) When you finally accept that you’ve done wrong, the next thing you must do is figure out who it has hurt. Who suffered when you broke a promise to a friend and told another friend some personal information that was supposed to be private? Who did it affect when you ate the last sandwich without letting anyone know you were out of bread?

4) Apologize to everyone that you hurt. Go tell your child you are sorry you called him stupid. Go tell your co-worker that you shouldn’t have yelled at him in public. Go let your husband know that you did not mean the harsh words you said. Offer genuine, sincere apologies to everyone you have hurt.

5) Fix anything you wrecked. Give back any money you stole. Replace something that you borrowed and broke. Give someone a hug if you have treated them badly. Do something extra special to try to make up for things that can’t exactly be fixed.

6) Make a plan for how you will avoid doing that same thing again. Let your son know that you will be taking a walk around the back yard next time instead of yelling. Tell your wife you will pay the mortgage first before you take any money to the casino. Tell your boyfriend you will stop going to dance clubs and getting drunk with your girlfriends, whatever it will take to help prevent you from making the same mistake again.

You teach your children responsibility by doing these six steps yourself when you make mistakes and by helping them walk through these steps when they make mistakes. Remember to be patient and kind because taking responsibility for yourself is hard. If it wasn’t hard, we wouldn’t need laws or police or courts. People would just voluntarily go to jail when they broke the law!

Posted on March 23, 2005