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Do Unto Yourself

Living Inline Newsletter September 26th, 2004

Recently, I started working with a coaching client whose business partner speaks to him in a tone that makes him feel uncomfortable. And yet, he says nothing. I understood how he felt, and this sparked an invigorating discussion regarding saying yes when we really mean no.

Think about it, have you ever done something for someone or with someone that you really didn’t want to do? And yet, you did it anyway, only to become resentful later. I know I can relate to this one from my past.

Every time I said nothing, every time I let it slide, every time I did something for someone else that I don’t want to do, I was telling myself that the other person means more than I do. In essence, many of us give ourselves (and others) the message that we don’t matter.

How it begins:
One of the first words we learn to say as infants is “no”. We learn this word partly because we hear it so frequently and it’s an easy word to pronounce. It becomes a popular word as we move into the toddler years. Then we learn that it’s not nice to say “no”, that we need to do as we are told. As children, this is how we learn right from wrong; it’s how we learn acceptable behavior.

As we grow, we allow people to convince us to do things that are not congruent with the way we want to be. Somewhere along the way to adulthood, our ability to say “no” gets lost. It becomes easier to tell ourselves “no” than to say “no” to others, so we ignore our own feelings and go with the flow. What matters is that we please others. This dearly costs us as our physiology tenses, our breath shuts down, and our emotions and needs get stuffed. We literally know what this feels like under our hands as we help people unwind these patterns during our balancing sessions.

So fast forward a little more….
At work, some of us take on projects and additional responsibilities that we’d rather not do and after awhile we become proudly known for ‘getting it done’.
Over time, we become resentful and unhappy. We continue to repeat the same messages we were taught as children and never question whether they serve us as adults.

Paying the price
Saying “yes” when you’d rather not means you’re really saying “no” to yourself.
This undermines your self-esteem and your personal boundaries. You unwittingly tell yourself that the other person’s needs come before your own and you devalue yourself. And, until you are ready to take responsibility for yourself, it will continue.

You may be accustomed to placing the needs of others before yourself. And yet, can’t you be just as caring when you care for yourself first?

When I met Steven,( a brave coaching client that is ok with me sharing this) it was just before Christmas of 2003. He told me that 45 people who were long-time clients of his firm were coming over for Christmas dinner as well as some family members. He was excited to say that his mother was coming but his demeanor changed when he said his siblings were coming with their spouses, children and grandchildren. He was clearly not looking forward to this dinner; it was a lot of work and he was expected to cook every year as he had a background as a gourmet chef– family members did not take turns, although some of his sisters brought food. I asked him to tell me what the perfect Christmas dinner would be like. He said it would just be the seven of them – his wife, his children, and his mother.
So I asked him what would happen if he told everyone that he was no longer going to have Christmas dinner for everyone.

Interestingly, he had not considered it as a possibility. He just figured she’d be stuck having this dinner every year, ad infinitum. He didn’t realize that he could choose to do something different; he just needed to give himself permission.

Just as he believes that it is his duty to have this dinner, it is possible that his relatives and clients attend out of a sense of duty. He might find that once his true feelings are exposed that others share the same feelings of obligation.
Either way, he is entitled to spend Christmas dinner in a way that brings him the most joy. Until he is honest with himself and others, he will continue to suffer needlessly.

What things in your life do you continue to do over and over because that’s how it’s always been? Not only is it all right, it is imperative that you question the things you do and consciously choose how to spend your time and energy. It’s your life. You can live by design or by default. Either way, you are the architect..

Learn to follow your heart
How do you learn to say “no”? By practicing. Learn to pause before you answer any request made of you, whether it’s for your time, energy or money, etc. Then search your heart for what you really want. How do you feel to say “yes” to this request? How do you feel to say “no”? Which feels better? Even if you’re not sure why, go with your gut. Learning to listen to your inner self is critical. Every time you say “no”, you say “yes” to you. This builds self-esteem, and as you honor yourself, you reclaim your personal power.

Learning to say “no” to things you don’t want means you’re able to say “yes” to things you do want. Eliminating things that you don’t want in your life, things that don’t make you feel good, gives you the time, energy and space to add things that you do enjoy. When you say “yes” to meeting your own needs and wants, you validate yourself; this builds confidence and inner strength. When you feel good, you’re happier, more productive, more attractive and you have more fun!

You can say “no” with grace and love. As you say “no” to others, don’t make them wrong; simply state your Truth. And don’t apologize! (You’re doing nothing
wrong!) Simply state that you are unable to take on any more projects and that you have stopped doing things that are not your responsibility or not in your best interest. If you can, refer them to someone who can help them or show them how to do it for themselves.

Do unto yourself as you would do unto others.
The highest level of respect you can give is the respect you show yourself.
People often say that you must give respect in order to get it; in order to get it, you must give it to yourself. As you treat yourself with compassion and love, you teach others how you expect to be treated, and by raising your standards, you permit others to do the same.

We thank you for being the type of people who are interested in development, advancement, and growth.

We appreciate you sincerely!
Jason & Elissa
Living Inline
#480-704-2787

Posted on September 27, 2004