Ahwatukee Living’s Ask the Experts

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Forgive and Forget

We are often encouraged to “forgive and forget” when there has been some sort of misunderstanding, but that sure is easier said than done. Why is that? There’s a pretty easy answer…

We, as humans, have a very strong self-preservation drive. That is, we generally are very motivated to keep ourselves from getting hurt.

If you’ve knocked your shin on a troublesome coffee table a time or two, it’s not too long before you steer clear of it every time you walk through the room. We simply don’t like getting hurt, especially not by something that already has hurt us in the past, like that coffee table, or a rude co-worker. When someone has hurt our feelings a time or two, it isn’t long before we’re steering clear of them as well.

The body and heart don’t “forget” because they don’t want to get hurt again. It’s simple self-preservation.

So, what does it mean to forgive, even when you don’t forget? To forgive when you can’t forget is to allow the other person to have their faults, their flaws, and their problems without allowing them to keep on hurting you. To understand that they were dealt a hand of cards you may know nothing about. To let them simply be themselves, no matter who that might be, and to not try to retaliate or be rotten back to them. Forgive them their imperfections, even if you don’t forget what they’ve done to you.

Keep yourself safe from getting hurt further, but don’t make the situation worse by being rotten to them. They don’t need it, they’ve got enough of their own problems without you adding more. Just leave them alone. Things always work out in the end.

With your kindness, they may eventually realize the error of their ways and offer a genuine apology. Typically, when people feel remorse and offer a genuine apology, you don’t stay mad and you don’t stay hurt and you do forget. However, not everyone is mature or well-adjusted enough to offer an apology, so don’t hold your breath. Just forgive and move on.

Dr. Marlo Archer is a Licensed Psychologist who is treating the East Valley’s kids, teens, and families by providing common sense solutions to everyday problems. Her Down To Earth approach helps people set themselves free to fly. Contact Dr. Archer at 480-705-5007 or DrMarlo@drmarlo.com.

Posted on September 27, 2004